A new out look on life

Thursday May 27, 2010

I don't really wanna explain who I am, I want you as my reader, as my follower to learn who I am as I share my thoughts and feelings.

Today was my second day of meeting my Bio Father, It was not as weird as it was yesterday. I'm begging to get closer to him, I like what's forming so far. I'm not sure how I feel about EVERYTHING, I'm still gathering thoughts about him. So far he is ok, I fear that he is trying to be someone who he is not. Like he is trying so hard to get me to like him. I told him from the begging that I don't want him to lie to me, sugar coat things, or beat around the bush [and I see that he is being a honest and so on]. He missed 16 years of my life, so I believe that I deserve to know everything. I may be 18 years old, and I know I have a lot to learn in life. But regardless.

I really don't want anything from him. I don't want money, and I don't want him to stop his life to make up for what he missed. He should have manned up and came to me and be my dad. I believe waiting 16 years was to long, and he has told me countless of times that he regrets not doing that. I will say I do want him to promise to be there, I want him to love for me and care for me. I want him to be close to me and maybe my father. He will never replace the father I have now. Even though he is not my "real father" but he has been there for me and he has taken care of me. I may not like him all to much, but I can't say he has never been there.Some of the stuff I told Kevin shocked him, and I think I made him more upset with himself. He was shocked that when I was in middle

school I was bullied, at first he didn't believe me. He said "But your so pretty!" Not everyone is pretty when there born, so I told him something along that line. I also told him that I hated him so much in life, but I cant hate him forever and as of now I don't hate him. I know parents and there children get into fights, but with me feeling like I don't belong to this household as it is. I would cry myself asleep wishing and hoping that my father would come around. I always wanted to be a daddy's girl, but I want my "daddy."

When we first met Kevin I didn't know what to say or how to feel, I was still in the state of shock that he was "my father" the man who made me. Kevin has called me everyday for almost the passed week 3 times a day. We are growing a bond, and I hope its tight. One of our conversions regarded that I don't want anything from him, not even to love him. And at our first meeting he brought that up to me, he seemed upset, after he brought it to my attention, I noticed that I'm liking this all. I begging to "love" him, he is within me. and tonight I'm finding myself missing him, I wanna talk to him more, I wanna be around him more. I want him to be my father. I wish so badly I could go back to my childhood and he would be there. To hold me when I'm crying, To feed me, to tuck me in bed at night, read me story's, kiss my boo-boo's, push me on a swing at a park,etc.

When Kevin called me today, I started to break down. cause I noticed today, that I'm loving him, and that I happy with all this. When I told him all this I started crying. He asked me if I was alright, him asking such a simple question kind of shows that he cares. I do know for a fact that I want him to just say "Caitlin, I love you" I dont tell my parents I love them, and I don't tell my boyfriend I love him, I feel as if I love nobody and that nobody loves me.

Is Kevin going to kept his promise and remain in my life? Is he going to let me down? Will he say "I love you" to me over time? Will this work out?


Friday May 28, 2010

Today was my third day at my new job. My boss Andrew says that I'm picking up on things very fast. ha so being blond doesn't mean you have to be dumb. Although I did have glasses on today and everybody said I look a lot smarter. I was like jeeze, any other day do I look dumb?!? most of them don't understand that I'm a smart ass. That's who I am. being a smart ass protects me from getting hurt. When I let my guard down I get hurt. That's one thing I liked about my other job, people new me. I also new who was cool to talk to and who was lame to talk to.

Kevin called me a few times today. I enjoy talking to him now. Every time he calls I smart to feel all warm and fuzzy inside. He told his 13 year old daughter about me. He told me he cried, and that made he cry. I know its hard to tell someone that there is another sibling in the family...at least I can imagine. But he told about me Bailey she was not mad, which it fabulous on my need. That means I can be more welcome into the family. I told Kevin today "I know you were not there and bringing it up over and over again will get old. and you cant talk back the passed. you missed many first that arnt ever going to happen again. But now you have the chance to be there for other firsts." He agrees with everything, I believe that he wants to be there and all. I'm still just scared that I might get hurt still. All of this is new to me.

I went to Ryan's house today and I just feel closer and closer to him everyday. The sex is amazing, I do a lot of work. But Ryan is the best I have ever had, I know I'm falling in love with him. I just wish if he was to. He hides his feelings, so its hard to tell how he is feeling and how to react to what he does say. I adore him, and don't wanna lose him. He is making me happy and I have not had that in a long time. We rented a movie today, and duh we didn't watch it. We were to busy feeling all over each other and making out. I love when he touches my body softly and kisses it. It makes me go crazy. After we were done with round one Kevin called and all he wanted was to tell me goodnight. I thought that was very nice and sweet. I didn't think he would do that. I was shocked. I wish my phone was not so gay, and would allow me to txt Kevin. Kevin is the only person my phone wont txt. So I txted him from Ryan's phone telling him "goodnight and love you" he didn't txt back, oh well.

Well my eyes are about to fall off my face. Ending it with a question. Will Ryan love me? its only been 4 months on June 5th. And will Kevin keep calling me at night just to tell me goodnight?


Saturday May 29 2010

Today was a long day at work, easy, boring but VERY long. Oh well I'm getting good money for doing barely nothing.

Today me and Kevin talked about my child support. He pays it, and has been since he found out i was his. But see my mom gets the money and in the begging she used to support me, now its like her play money. And that pisses me off. She could have put that money in a back account for me to save up for my college fund. But NOOO.... god forbid she do something non-selfish. So I told him about it and I told him that my step dad pushes money out of me. When I was 16 years old and I got my first job at Sonic he wanted me to pay rent. What the fuck, pay rent while I'm in High School, yeah lets think logically!!! Kevin was pissed and wants the money to go to me. He told me 3 cheesy ways to get the money to go to me: 1. Have low credit hours in college, 2. Get pregnant, or 3. Get married! I'm not going to go that much out of my way to get child support. But I do agree, the money should go to me. I could save up more money to go to SAIC.

Life is full of disappointments! And I'm tired of being disappointed!